[A Trick of the Light]好人難做

另一段讓我看得心痛的，是Gamache與副手Beauvoir的關係。

在上一單大案中，他們兩個都受槍傷。先是Beauvoir被壞人射中腹部，Gamache背他至牆邊，替他包紥後，吻了他一下額頭，便出去繼續與壞人搏鬥。然後他也中槍，人人都以為他死了，Beauvoir也不例外，但他愛莫能助。最後，Gamache從鬼門關走了一轉回來。

想不到，事發後，年紀較大、傷得較重的Gamache首先復原。Beauvoir卻在半年後仍未康復；不單傷口繼續痛，還經常發惡夢。他開始依懶止痛藥。他亦會在半夜重看被人偷偷放上網的槍戰影片，不能自拔。

這兩人情同父子，但性格卻很不同；知道這點，有助了解他們的關係。


Gamache相信性本善，Beauvoir相信性本惡。Gamache為人樂觀，Beauvoir為人悲觀。
And, unlike Gamache who believed goodness existed, Beauvoir knew that was a temporary state. As long as the sun shone and there was poached salmon on the plate, people could be good. But take that away, and see what happens. Take the food, the chairs, the flowers, the home. Take the friends, the supportive spouse, the income away, and see what happens.

The Chief believed if you sift through evil, at the very bottom you’ll find good. He believed that evil has its limits. Beauvoir didn’t. He believed that if you sift through good, you’ll find evil. Without borders, without brakes, without limit.

And every day it frightened him that Gamache couldn’t see that. That he was blind to it. Because out of blind spots terrible things appeared.

Beauvoir敬重Gamache，當他是父親，亦有點偶像崇拜的意味。他覺得Gamache太善良，常怕他誤信別人。Gamache以往落區查案時，總愛請一個當地的年輕探員加入他們。但經過那單有探員犧牲的案件，他變得謹慎了。這時，Beauvoir又覺得傷感。
Armand Gamache smiled and nodded to Agent Rousseau（地區探員）, then turned and walked back toward the inn, leaving two surprised men behind him. Rousseau that he’d been spoken to so civilly and Beauvoir that Gamache hadn’t done what he’d done on almost every investigation in the past. Invited one of the young, local agents to join them. Beauvoir knew he should be happy. Relieved. Then why did he feel so sad?

同樣，Gamache也當他是兒子。Beauvoir有點囂張，有點自大，經常太早下結論，與Gamache的個性不同。但他懂得欣賞這個人。這是有愛才做得到的。
His second in command had always been so lithe, so energetic. Cocky. He was full of life and full of himself.
It could annoy Gamache. But mostly he’d watched Beauvoir’s vitality with pleasure and some amusement, as Jean-Guy threw himself headlong into life.

Beauvoir的個性太突出，所以當他意志消沈時，Gamache很快便察覺了。而且他很快判斷這種消沈是不正常的，是需要找專業人士處理的。
Until this moment Chief Inspector Gamache hadn’t realized that Jean-Guy Beauvoir never really got up.

Beauvoir其實在濫藥邊綠。
Then he swiftly opened his hand and tossed the pill into his mouth, then chased it down with a gulp of water from the glass on the nightstand. Beauvoir waited. For the now familiar sensation. Slowly he began to feel the ache subside. But another, deeper hurt remained.

這句說得好，或者解釋了為何永遠有人吸毒。
“No,” said Beauvoir, adamant. “Listen, we deal with enough junkies, I don’t want to turn into that.” “And you think that’s what the junkies wanted?” demanded Gamache. “You think that’s what Suzanne and Brian and Pineault expected to happen? No one starts out with that as the goal.”

Beauvoir已變成一個我很喜愛的角色，真不想他沉淪下去。

Beauvoir一直責怪自己在槍戰中幫不到Gamache，生氣為何救Gamache的是另一個探員，不是他。想不到，在每晚重看影片後，他的想法有了180度轉變。他見到Gamache輕吻他額頭後便離去，突然覺得這一吻是告別之吻：「Gamache竟然離開我，讓我獨自等死。」你看任何警匪片，都會見到只要壞人還在，警察都要繼續追捕他們。在處理好受傷同事的傷口後，Gamache還有職責在身，他不得不走，但當事人未必會這樣理智。尤其是 Beauvoir經過這件事後內心變得脆弱，尤其是他將上司Gamache當為父親了。就算心理學家也料不到他有此想法。

Myrna was wrong. He wasn’t upset because he’d failed to save Gamache. He was angry because Gamache had failed to save him.

我想起子女對父母的誤會。Gamache明明如此關心Beauvoir，Beauvoir卻感受不到，還鑽牛角尖。

And he left（指Gamache). As he had that dreadful day. As he always would, Beauvoir knew. Gamache would always leave him. Jean-Guy Beauvoir reached under his pillow and removing the tiny bottle, he shook a pill into the palm of his hand. By the time he was shaved and dressed and downstairs he was feeling just fine.

我也想起《唐山大地震》這套電影。地震後，兒子和女兒同被壓在石屎下；醫護人員只能救一人，要母親二選一。母親聽不到女兒的呼救聲，以為她死了，於是請人救兒子。想不到女兒大難不死，但這件事做成她的心理創傷。理性上她明白母親的決定，但心理上她難以原諒母親。

還發生了一件事，足以破壞Beauvoir和Gamache的關係，讀者都see it coming，但作者會在下集才慢慢寫。讀者看著他們合作這麼久，都不想他們反目，偏偏作者預言了這一點......

Gamache曾拉錯一位村民，後來請Beauvoir重新調查案件，最終為那人翻案。那人出獄後，當Beauvoir是貴賓，卻原諒不了Gamache。明明就是他自己心術不正，才被人誤會。明明是他不斷講大話，增加警方查案的難度。明明他自己都在尋求村民的原諒。他應該多謝Gamache為他翻案才是。但他卻始終記著Gamache帶來的屈辱。他只會從自己角度出發。這就是人性。
（Gamache說）“I know you’re angry at me, and I know you have every right to be. What happened was unforgivable, and my only defense is that it wasn’t malicious, it wasn’t done to harm you—”

“But it did.” [X] slammed the knife down. “Do you think prison is less horrible because you didn’t do it maliciously?

Gamache是個好人，但他卻招來別人的妒忌、憎恨和攻擊，我很為他不值。不禁想，這麼辛苦，還要做好人嗎？

不過，這是他的本性，我覺得他改不了。

P.S.

這段話說出戒酒的困難之處：

“Sobriety isn’t for cowards, Chief Inspector. Whatever you might think of an alcoholic, to get sober, really sober demands great honesty, and that demands great courage. Stopping drinking’s the easy part. Then we have to face ourselves. Our demons. How many people are willing to do that?”

純粹喜歡這段文字：

A chilly, damp breeze was blowing into Beauvoir’s room, fluttering the white cotton curtains. It had begun to drizzle and the Chief could hear the muffled tap of rain on leaves, and smell the familiar scent of wood fires from the village homes. He closed the window then turned back to the bed. Beauvoir had burrowed into his pillow.